


Blue Lips

by keepfabandgayon



Series: Blue [2]
Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Gen, M/M, Time Loop
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-20
Updated: 2014-01-20
Packaged: 2018-01-09 10:38:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1144974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/keepfabandgayon/pseuds/keepfabandgayon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The moon is cold and barren and airless, and Kaworu has one more chance to make things right.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Blue Lips

**Author's Note:**

> I wasn't expecting to continue writing for this. In fact, I very specifically was trying to write a sequel to a different fic, but then this came out instead. I hope it's an acceptable addition to _Blue Star_. 
> 
> This was heavily influenced by Regina Spektor's "[Blue Lips](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ccZuKOTb6ug)", hence the title.

__

The pictures in his mind arose  
And began to breathe  
And all the gods and all the worlds  
Began colliding on a backdrop of blue

\---

"The Red Planet" had once been used to refer to Mars. How many people on Earth don't even know that their oceans had ever been blue? When you look down on that Red Earth, it makes you sad. You once might have been happy to see that humanity was so close to complementation, but no longer. Now, the Earth looks dead, and it very nearly is. It is dying, and in pain, and all the people in it are dying and in pain as well. 

Complementation will not help them, and it will not save them. The struggle for it has taken too much from them already. It will never be the happiness you had once devoted yourself to bringing about. 

When Gendo Ikari makes his pass by the Moon, you smile at him, though you want to fly up to him and tear him apart. You revel in the fear that radiates off the man who would ruin humanity many times over. 

You used to believe that Ikari’s intentions were pure, and devoted, and based on love. But you've seen enough of the man's ruined heart to know that there is little virtue left in him. Determination is all he has left, and you intend to let that destroy him. That, or possibly Rei; you’d like to see the look on his face and feel the cold emptiness of his fear when his own creation kills him. 

Whoever said angels weren't vengeful knew nothing about angels. 

The Impact point is an ugly mark over a ruined Earth. It might have been beautiful, if not for the destruction it had brought. 

You reflexively try to breathe in, then double over as you wait out the spasms of your diaphragm as your lungs refuse to fill. You don't need air, but sometimes your body still reacts as if it does. It serves as a reminder of how Human you've become. Can you really call yourself Tabris? 

Of course you can. If you could be Tabris through all of the infinity you spent Human but for your memory, then you can be Tabris now. But more importantly, you are Kaworu, and that makes all the difference. 

Your throat burns, and that is another reminder.

The sky twists over Japan, and it is time to go. You take Unit-06 with you, because you can, and because you must. 

Many times you consider changing the timeline. First, you consider stopping Shinji before he starts Third Impact. After that, you consider forcing him back into existence earlier than he will return on his own. You make many considerations, and each time, you decide not to. It's too risky. Too unpredictable. 

When you force-eject yourself from Unit-06, you can’t feel the bright burn of Shinji’s soul. You know he’ll return to you, but it hurts. It’s been millennia since you’d last existed without focussing your entire being on the happiness of that one soul; the few times since that you’ve had to experience even a moment apart from him have been agony. 

The moon is cold and barren and airless, but over time you grow used to it. Your body stops throwing itself into fits when you breathe in dust without oxygen, and you don’t even shiver. The sun has never hurt you before, and it still doesn’t. 

Soon, NERV is deserted, and you have work to do. You blink, and you are in the heart of NERV. There is not much time before you must make way for the other you. He’s already here, but he won’t be leaving his room for a long time. 

The tree comes first. You worry about the ceiling caving in on it, but when Shinji arrived it was already fourteen years old, so you plant the seeds under a loose tile and find a soul to let it grow. 

The ceiling caves in two years later, the heavy red rain finally having weakened the already cracked foundation enough. Finding a usable piano is hard enough, and getting it into NERV without being seen is even harder, as Ikari has begun talking the toddler you for walks around the run-down facility. 

You remember those walks. You wish you didn’t, because they are proof that he isn’t evil through and through. He is broken, and ambitious without concern. He will be kind when it suits him and his aims, so he was kind to you. He lied to you, but he was kind. He did the same to Rei, but she had little to compare him to, and so she never saw past the facade. 

Shinji’s return lights up the sky with what looks to be a shooting star, but you miss it this time, because you feel his return in yourself, his soul brighter than you’ve ever felt it before. His will to live has never been so strong. You wonder why you didn’t feel it last time. 

Sometimes, you watch them from the shadows. You need to see Shinji's smile, you need it to convince yourself that you are doing the right thing and that betraying your family will be worth it. 

The day of Fourth Impact, you feel lost. You hear the screams of nearly a billion souls, almost all that are left, dying in the horrific destruction that you refuse to stop. This moment, more than any other, is one you must not disturb. 

Your other self dies. Shinji is a supernova. 

The moon is cold and barren and airless, and you feel the same way. You lay on its surface and you shiver, not from the cold on your skin, but from the cold in your soul. You can’t feel Shinji anymore. He’s alive, but his soul is ruined beyond anything you’ve ever done to him before. 

How could you do this to him? 

_”If I want to improve the sound I’m making, what should I do?”_

_“Practice. Do it over and over until it feels right to you.”_

It doesn’t feel right. This is your last chance, and it feels all wrong. You’ve ruined everything, haven’t you? 

It wasn’t enough to tell him you would return to him. He expects to see you again when he’s dead. He’s closed off his soul to you, even unconsciously. He’s a black hole, and you can’t see him, but you will never escape. 

How could you do this?

You try to cry, but you have no water for tears, and you have no air to sob, so you shake silently and your throat burns again. 

He was so happy. _He was so happy_ , and you ruined it. You did. And he’ll blame himself, because that’s what he always does when you die, but you did this. 

How could you?

This is how the Angel of Free Will falls from grace. 

You’ll never be fully Human. Never. But you will destroy like one. 

\---

__

Blue, the most human color  
Blue lips, blue veins  
Blue, the color of our planet  
From far, far away


End file.
